This was sudden and sad. I had worked with the intern his first month of residency. This was my first experience as a senior resident. I was determined to take all the good qualities from my previous residents and sad all the bad ones along the way. This was my moment to be in charge and pass along all the information I had received along the way. I was excited and nervous. The first week was a whirlwind, I don't remember much. It was scary being responsible. And one of my interns was struggling. I knew how he felt and I wanted to be there as much as a could, but I was juggling my responsibilities to the students, attendings, consultants, and patients. I spent extra time talking to him to let him know that it was a steep learning curve and he'd be alright; the first six months are all about surviving. He had a tough time and he struggled, but in my head I figured it was intern jitters and he'd be okay. Eventually, he had a moment where it was too much and took some time off. I respected that, some times I felt the same.
And on Friday I found out the news. He had taken his own life.
Could I have done more? Could I have reached out after the rotation to find out how he was doing? I feel like I could have, not sure if I could have made a difference. Either way, puts a lot into perspective; we can always walk away from it if push came to shove. Sometimes, we don't know what our limit is and when we go too far, it feels like there is no way out. From what I heard, he had been getting help and was considering switching out a specialty with less day-to-day stress, but maybe it was too little too late. Hopefully, his pain is gone.
I hope his family will find some comfort in his pain being gone, but the pain continues for those who have to live with it.
